Every single person makes mistakes. Most failures are temporary setbacks, rather than absolute disasters. People who achieve great things often had great failures along the way.
Make a list of everything you’ve overcome and all your successes. Write down qualities about yourself that you value. If you have regrets about a complicated situation, identify the actions you took that improved it or stopped it getting worse, even if they didn’t fully succeed.
If praising yourself is difficult, try talking to yourself as though you were talking to your best friend. [6] X Research source Reword the thoughts of your “inner critic” as a different person talking to you: turn “I always screw up” into “You always screw up. “[7] X Research source Keep treating your inner critic as a different person and argue with them. Come up with counterexamples to prove them wrong. [8] X Research source
If you regularly miss the due date of bills, make a large, visual reminder ahead of time. If you keep ignoring warning signs in your romantic life, ask your trusted friends to vet your dates and speak up if their alarm bells go off.
Try to face the hidden motivations behind your behavior. Do you game for hours because you are avoiding the people in your household? Do you jump on and off diets because of low self esteem? You may need to focus on the root cause before the surface-level behavior changes. Don’t take on too much at once. Focus on a select few issues that you feel deserve the most attention, or even just one at a time.
For example, instead of the standard of “perfect communication,” recognize that it’s still a win if you pull back and stop an argument instead of escalating it. It’s another win if you have a calmer conversation later about what happened. Instead of the unrealistic goal to “just stop” procrastinating your homework, set a goal to at least do ten minutes the day it’s assigned. Once you can do that consistently, try to do half of it in advance. Reward yourself for these milestones, and you’ll be more likely to keep improving.
If you can’t identify the triggers, carry a journal (or phone writing app) with you and write down your daily experiences and moods. Reread old entries to look for patterns that might cause stress, such as irregular sleep or meals, and to remind yourself of things you did that got you back on track. [12] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U. S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source We all have stories that run in our subconscious that influence our behaviors, so examine your actions carefully. What are you doing? How might you inadvertently be creating these unfortunate situations for yourself?[13] X Expert Source Jennifer Butler, MSWLove & Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
Make a plan ahead of time for what you will do in response to each trigger. If a relative pushes your buttons, you could excuse yourself to the bathroom instead of fighting. Keep these plans simple. If stress makes you want to smoke, a breathing exercise is something you can try almost anywhere. Going for a jog anytime you’re stressed is impractical. Write down this plan to cement it. This is about taking radical responsibility for your life so you can create a break in your habits. [15] X Expert Source Jennifer Butler, MSWLove & Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
It’s often best to choose an acquaintance or even a stranger (for instance, someone at the gym if you’re trying to improve your fitness). Romantic partners or close friends can have trouble adapting to the new role. [16] X Research source Partners should be non-judgemental and give positive reinforcement. [17] X Research source Trust can grow over time, but start with someone who at least makes you feel comfortable. The more seriously you both take it, the more helpful it will be. Choose someone who is willing to commit to scheduled check-ins, and not flake out on them.
While you’re still feeling the negative emotions, seek support from the right people in the right environment—people who won’t judge you, and places that won’t trigger more negative behaviors. After you’re feeling a bit better, look back at how the setback happened. Maybe something unexpectedly triggered strong emotions in you—work out why, and how you could avoid that next time. Think about how your coping strategies failed. Is there a way to make them easier or more accessible? Finally, think about how you handled the setback during the worst of it. Is there a healthier and faster way to get through the dark times? Can you ask someone now if you can contact them for support next time, so the idea will already be in your head?
In your social circle, spend time with people who are empathetic and understanding. Distance yourself from people who mock your feelings. Seek new communities with strong social bonds, such as a local organization with regular meetings. Volunteering for people in need will not only make you feel connected, but also give you a sense of purpose—another excellent source of self-worth.
