If you were also close to the person who died, it might feel awkward to say “your loss” since you lost the person as well. Instead, you might try something like, “I’m so sorry to hear that” or “That hurts so much to hear. " Addressing the person by name can make your condolences sound more personal and serious. For example, you might say, “Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. "
For example, you might say, “I was so sorry to hear about Megan. I know you two were close and I always admired your friendship. " If your friend lost a family member, you might use their relation rather than the person’s name. This will usually feel more appropriate if you didn’t know the person that well. For example, you might say, “I’m so sorry about your Aunt Jenny. Even though I never got to meet her, I know how close you were to her when you were growing up. "
For example, you might say, “I’m sorry about Carter—I know you were close. I’m here whenever you want to talk about them. "
For example, suppose your friend keeps repeating the details leading up to the death of their roommate. You might say, “I know this is so hard to understand. They were just here a few days ago. Take all the time you need to talk through it. " Anger is also part of the grieving cycle, so your friend might go through periods of frustration at the person who died. Avoid correcting them or telling them not to be angry—this is a healthy part of the process. Just encourage them to let it out.
For example, you might say, “I’m ordering you a pizza for dinner tonight. Just let me know when you want it delivered. " While providing food is often the easiest way to help out, it’s also something a lot of other people do. You might also offer to come over and help clean up their house or do their laundry—things that are likely to fall by the wayside when someone is grieving. If the person who texted you is going to be taking care of the arrangements, they’ll have a lot to do in the days and weeks following the death. Let the person know if you have any experience handling such things—that can be an immense help.
For example, you might say, “Hearing about John, I can’t help but think of what it was like when my uncle died. He also had a sudden heart attack. " Be careful with your comparisons. Don’t compare the loss of a person to the loss of a pet, even though you might’ve loved them dearly—it can send a very bad message. Remember that even though you might know how it feels to lose someone you cared about, you can never know exactly how another person feels. Everyone’s grieving process is different. Make sure they understand that by saying something like, “I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now, but I know how I felt when my uncle died. Would you like to talk about it?”
For example, you might say, “Hey, Sarah and I are going out for ice cream later this evening if you’d like to come along? We can pick you up. " If they initially decline, you might say, “Okay, well—the offer stands. Let us know if you change your mind. " Then, you might text them again when you’re headed out and say, “Hey—we’re going to get that ice cream. If you’re still not feeling up to it, maybe we could bring you some. "
If you see a funny picture or video online that reminds you of them, you might share that as well. People who are grieving still enjoy having a laugh and it might be just the thing they need at that moment. After a death, people are often very busy on top of grieving a loss. They might not have a lot of time to chit-chat with you—even if they want to. You might say, “Hey, I know you’ve got a million things going on, but I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and I love you. I’m here whenever you need a moment to catch your breath. " Some people like to keep to themselves, though, and don’t really feel like talking to anyone. If this is what’s going on with your friend, you might say, “Hey, I know you don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. I just want you to know I’m here whenever you do. "
For example, you might say, “I know you were really close to Adam and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Take your time. " It’s just as likely that the person hasn’t gotten to the point yet where they can finally let go. Telling them that they just need a good cry or need to get it out of their system isn’t helpful. Instead, you might say, “Everyone heals at their own pace. I trust that you’re doing what you need to do but if you need anything I’m here. "
If you haven’t heard from them in a while, make it a point to reach out. People who are grieving often want someone around but won’t take the initiative. For example, you might say, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while. You wanna grab a cup of coffee and catch up?” Don’t be afraid to bring up the death. This lets them know that you’re okay with them talking about it. For example, you might say, “I know you’ve had a rough time since your aunt died. How about we go see that new Marvel movie? My treat. " Make a note of specific special days, such as the birthday of the person who passed or any anniversaries. Grief will feel sharper and more profound on those days. [11] X Research source Send your friend or loved one a text on those days, saying something like, “I know today is especially hard for you. Can I take you out for coffee?”
Extreme focus on the death, to the exclusion of anything else Neglecting personal hygiene Alcohol or drug abuse Withdrawal from others, talk of numbness or inability to enjoy anything Talking about suicide or their own death
